I thought I saw a $9.19 fare. I picked up Andrew near downtown Orlando on a Saturday afternoon, overcast. He was a short, wiry guy, with a faint Southern accent, ash blonde crewcut, glasses, and a humble-looking smile that started in his baby blue eyes. I helped him put the grocery bags and a cooler in my trunk and climbed back in. And then I saw his destination.
Two hours and forty-five minutes away.
“I know it’s a big commitment, boss, and I’m sorry”, Andrew said. “I’d understand if you’d want to cancel”.
I considered for a brief second. It was late noon. D. was home alone, but Y. was probably about to leave work. And then I saw both the fee and Andrew. The fee was about a day’s work, which I very much needed right now. But more importantly, I wondered how much had this poor guy waited (he told me at least two drivers canceled on him), and how hard was it going to be to make the trip.
“Nah, man”, I said at last. “We’re here already. And I’m not doing that to ya. Let’s go”.
So three hours later, with a nap and some pretty good conversation, I dropped Andrew, a construction worker, at the house he and his buddies were working on in New Port Richey, Florida. He tipped me good, shook my hand, and I drove back, giving me plenty of time to think about my year.
A year that shall live in infamy, to paraphrase FDR.
I recently compared 2024 to a glass-plated door that is about to be shut forever and good riddance. But see, you want to look back and see what is behind that door, never live in it. Because if you do, you’ll be stuck and never be able to move forward. And what happened in this year of Our Lord 2024 are lessons that must not, cannot be forgotten.
I lost my last job, the job I was so proud of. The reasons why will not be shared on the Internet for reasons of my own. All you need to know is that yes, it was my fault, and no, it was not fair. I faced financial struggles the likes of which I have never experienced and never want to again. I saw my relationships, even the ones closest to me, crumble. And twice I had dreams where it all ended, cruelly and tragically, which made me prioritize my mental health like never before (shoutout to Natasha Hernandez).
Most importantly, I questioned myself. Deeply. I wondered whether it was all worth it, being the way I am, if in the end I was living with such despair and sadness. It was never in my bingo card to have a five-minute meltdown in my car, in a plasma donation lab parking lot, having just received terrible news, in the purest form of despair I have ever felt. I had no idea where to go or what to do; I just needed to cry, and cry, and cry.
And then I saw my mother’s face. And my father’s. And Y.’s. And I knew I couldn’t stay like this. I couldn’t let the darkness win. The holidays were coming (I was fired the day before Thanksgiving). So I got up and started moving.
I’ve been doing Lyft and Uber to cover some bills. I’ve negotiated the bigger debts I have. I’ve cut back on unnecessary spending (this URL might be next). And I have applied to every restaurant in the greater Orlando area. I haven’t called in every favor I can, mostly out of shame, but that’s going to change real soon.
Mostly, I have kept moving.
Suffering, mistakes, tragedies, accidents –they are useless if they do not leave lessons. And that is why, dirty and cracked and smeared as it is, 2024 needs to be a glass door. I have to learn from the shitstorm that just left me. I need to be more financially educated. I need to be more careful at work. And above all, I need to stop taking people for granted. I am sick and tired of feeling lonely, and I am well aware that I am like that because of myself. So I need to correct that. Once and for fucking all.
I have apologized till my gums bleed in this year that has ended, and I have the feeling I will apologize even more in the short term. I have also told not enough people to kiss my ass, and that might also change. But mostly, I want to be present for those who have, for some reason, still hang around me, love me, and/or consider me a friend, or at the very least someone they enjoy being around. Those are the ones who deserve the best of me, and that is who they will encounter in 2025.
Because I want the Andrews of the world to have a chance to find me when they need to. And I don’t want to disappoint them.
But more importantly, I want to be the kind of guy I would love to meet.Ha
Happy New Year, everyone.
My Mind in Letters 